Undern'Eathes It All
by Ms. Kreatopita
Summary: Sven x Tearju two-part one shot! Some spoilers for Vol 12. Echidna and Eathes a new Apostle mess up big time when Sven enters the line of fire! Rated T for language and mild adult themes. NOW WITH A BONUS "MORNING AFTER" STORY!
1. Undern'Eathes It All

**Disclaimers: I don't own Black Cat or any of the characters related to it. However, I would be much obliged if someone were to make a ****drop-dead sexy picture of Sven or Sven + a certain someone****…you'll see why…**

**Undern'Eathes It All**

KABLAM! Dr. Tearju's front door had been kicked off its hinges, allowing the army of masked snipers to march into the house. The only reason Sven, Eve, and Tearju hadn't immediately reacted was because they thought Train had returned. Boy, were they wrong…within an instant, the three were completely surrounded by gunmen in funky hooded suits and pentagram-engraved gas masks.

"What the – who are you?" Sven demanded of them.

The one with the largest gun in the group took a small step forward and replied, "The Apostles of the Stars!" Tearju remained frigid, but Sven and Eve couldn't help giving the leader a quizzical look. If it were really them, wouldn't there be one in a really fat suit, one that looked like a midget, at least two with a huge rack, and some other shorties?

As if to answer their question, Echidna strutted through the shadowy front doorway, her heels clacking on the floor. "Oh my…" she muttered in a teasing voice, "I heard we had a full house, but I never expected to find_you_." Echidna glared enticingly at Sven, who tried to refute, but she put up a finger to silence him. "Sorry, but I haven't got time to play today. You know how it is…" She turned towards the nanotech doctor. "Don't you, Dr. Tearju?"

Sven froze and threw a shocked stare at both women. How the hell did the Apostles of the Stars know her? More importantly, what did they want from her?

Echidna continued, "I came in place of the doctor to hear your answer. Will you join the Apostles of the Stars, or do you refuse?" A gasp escaped from Sven's mouth, who could see Tearju trembling slightly. "We want you for your nanotech expertise, of course. Should you refuse to join us willingly, we do have…_other_ ideas." With this, Echidna stepped aside and let a two-foot tall bundle of cloth crawl in front of her. "So, doctor, what's it going to be?"

Tearju glanced at Eve, who kept her cool, and then at Sven, whose eye reflected their mutual despair. Finally, she looked Echidna straight in the eye and declared, "I vowed never to tamper with another human life, and nothing you say can change that! So it's going to be a no way, bi-hatch!"

Pretty much everyone recoiled at her having implied the use of a "b" word, mainly because she seemed like an innocent, clumsy, introverted doctor. Even Eve raised one of her eyebrows in astonishment.

It took a few seconds for Echidna to regain her poise after being called that (not that she wasn't already used to it, even five year-olds had called her that. But that's another story…) Then she remembered the short bundle of cloth "standing" next to her, and she smirked. "I guess I have no choice, then." She snapped her fingers. "Eathes! Come on out!" And out of the shadows and cloth came…

A monkey.

Had he not been surrounded by dozens of freaks with guns and were his life not on the line, Sven would have laughed his ass off. Garbed in a sort of toga and a ridiculous hat, the monkey Eathes had to be one of the ugliest little creatures he ever saw. But those Gremlin-like eyes and teeth freaked Sven out, and he could have sworn it snickered. So all he could say was, "Holy crap, it's a frickin' monkey!"

"Don't underestimate him just because he's a monkey," warned Echidna, leaning against the wall and wiggling her index finger. "He drank the Chi Holy Water and awoke his inner Tao powers. Eathes is our newest Apostle!" Just then, an aura of chi began forming around the monkey. "He can project his soul in order to duplicate a person's very essence. Your appearance, your voice, your knowledge…he can copy it exactly!"

Eve took a small step forward. "So what you're saying is that Jeeves here ('it's "Eathes"!' interjected Echidna) is going to copy Tearju's mind and use that, rather than go through all the trouble of kidnapping her?"

"Correct!" chimed the Gate Taoist.

"Then why didn't you do it in the first place?" retorted Eve.

Silence. Echidna pondered about it for a moment while Eathes picked a few bugs off of his fur and ate them. Sven and Tearju exchanged glances and shrugged. "Well, dammit, Doctor!" cursed Echidna, "You and your stupid preoccupation in Creed…can't even find time to come up with a time saving way of doing things…Who gives a rat's ass? Go for Tearju, Eathes!"

A monkey-shaped astral projection shot out of Eathes and made a beeline towards Dr. Tearju. Sven watched as Eve's creator stood helplessly in the way of the blast. He didn't quite understand what the whole "copy" thing was all about, but it sounded bad enough. And as a gentleman, he would not stand to see a woman as smoking hot as Tearju get essence raped. Sven made his move, rushing in front of her and catching the shot.

The furry aura enveloped Sven for a moment before retreating back into Eathes. Echidna stared blankly at Sven for a second, then at Eathes, then Sven again, then clenched the monkey's robes and shook the critter furiously, yelling all the while.

"**You goddamn ape! Freaking stupid chi of yours can't even dodge a single freaking person! Stupid-ass doctor had to give **_**that**_** batch of Holy Water to a stupid-ass baboon! And now it's gonna take you three f#$&ing **_**hours**_** for it to wear off and Tearju's gonna be f#$&ing gone and –**"

And, as fate would have it, Echidna shook so hard that the monkey's hat flew off into a pan of Tearju's "omelet", and the robe ripped clean in two. Eathes landed flat on the floor with a _splat_, and before he could get up, there was a flash of light. Now, the gunner unit thought this was the signal to fall back, and they were all out of the room faster than you can say "banana hammock". Finally, the light receded.

On the floor lay a perfect copy of Sven. Stark naked.

The clone began to get up. Try as she might, Tearju could not tear her eyes off of him for the life of her. Eve's eyes became as wide as saucers as they ran across the well-sculpted body. Despite her duties, Echidna found herself admiring Clone Sven's backside. Even Train, who had been perched on the upstairs banister until the "perfect moment" leaned forward a bit too much and came crashing down onto the hardwood floor. Sven himself shook his head and slapped his forehead.

"Oh. My. God." uttered Eve with disbelief.

"Hot damn!" blurted out Echidna.

Train had passed out from the fall.

All Tearju could do was hyperventilate and fan herself.

Everyone stared at Clone Sven, then Real Sven, then the clone, then the real Sven.

"Oh no…" grunted Sven.

Echidna grabbed Clone Sven by the arm and turned him around. "You're coming – oh sweet Jesus – um…I don't care if you're a monkey, you're coming home with me!" And with that, she quickly made a gate and dragged Eathes/Sven along behind her.

That left the doctor and her clone staring in awe at Sven Vollfied. Eve's eyes shifted back and forth from her guardian to the unconscious Train on the ground. Tearju's eyes, on the other hand…let's just say they were glued to the Sweeper's southern hemisphere. "Eve," she ordered without averting her eyes, "go ahead and drag – I mean take, Train upstairs and put him in the first bedroom; you may have the one next to it." Out of her periphery, Tearju could see her clone scowl before transforming her hand into a barbecue spit and tying Train's hands to it with her hair. Once Eve had taken her prize to the first room and the second door upstairs had closed, Tearju finally looked Sven in the eye.

"Sven, I'll bet that must have been embarrassing for you," consoled Tearju.

"Nah, I just thank god it wasn't really me. All I have to do is tell myself it was just a copy," Sven replied with a sigh. But then he noticed his new doctor friend tugging her sweater off to reveal a nice, lacy bra. "Uh…what are you doing?" he asked in a voice that started to trail off as Tearju slipped Sven's suit jacket off of his shoulders.

"Oh, I'm sorry, it's just that I had never seen such a fine male specimen," she complimented seductively while undoing the Sweeper's tie. "Do you mind if I…examine you further?" With a volley of pops, Tearju ripped Sven's dress shirt open with violent strength.

All Sven could do was gape dumbly at her, give an involuntary nod, and shiver with excitement as her lips pressed against his. Tearju tried to lean into the kiss, but as usual, she tripped over nothing and they both fell onto a conveniently placed rug. One on top of the other.

And they both had one hell of a night.

* * *

**A/N: Alright, I've decided. I'm gonna hold an art contest based on this story! Whoever draws the best picture of Sven looking sexy or Sven and Tearju together will win a specially commissioned story based on ANY theme s/he chooses! (i. e. Creed and Shiki go to a luau! or Eve goes to an opera in which Sven must play the Singing Fat Lady! or even something as crazy as Jenos wakes up one day, cursed so he can only say four words per sentence, and discovers that he smells like Maro's feet!) Please visit SvenIsMyHomeboy on Deviant Art for more info and rules! **


	2. Bonus! The Next Morning

**Disclaimers: I don't own Black Cat or any of the characters related to it. And sadly, I don't own the utterly sexy Sven. But if anyone is able to draw some good Sven/Tearju fanart that is kept just short of mature and is related to the story, the best ones will get an opportunity to have yours truly write a short story for them about ANYTHING they want! Examples, you ask? Jenos wakes up with Madame Freesia! Deak needs Annette's help asking Woodney out on a date! Maro and Saya do ballroom dancing! This is how desperate I am to see some Sven/Tearju art! **

**Undern'Eathes It All: The Morning After**

The dawn light woke Sven up the next morning, and he was feeling better than he had in a long time. He tried to keep his eyes shut against the sun, but it slowly brought him back to the real world. Then Sven suddenly became aware of the warm, soft mass nestled against his body like a spoon. A blond woman still slept in his firm embrace, peaceful as an angel, her bare skin touching his.

Sven could not believe what had happened last night. All he remembered was that retarded monkey turning into him, and then Tearju ripping off his clothes (looking beside him, he saw two different types of clothing in a messy pile) and then both of them engaging in some hot, sweaty, unrestrained lovemaking. God, just thinking about it made Sven feel libidinous all over again.

Lifting his head a little, he noticed that amidst the action, a small rug had become cleverly strewn so that it covered both of their nether regions. With a naughty smirk on his face, Sven let one of his hands slide down Tearju's chest and belly while he lightly nibbled her ear. The nanotech doctor groaned and opened her eyes. She turned to face him, her glasses resting crooked on top of her head and her lips parted in a huge smile.

"It's been years since I've felt this elated," she sighed. "Last night was simply phenomenal!"

"Yeah, you were amazing," replied Sven, clasping her by the waist. He gave her a seductive glance. "Are you up for another round before the 'kids' wake up?" Now it was Tearju's turn to give an involuntary nod and shiver with excitement as Sven rolled on top of her and gave her the French kiss from heaven. When they broke for air, she giggled as his tongue glided down her neck, ready to do some very viewer-discretion-is-advised things…

Until Eve came in.

Eve had been so tired from using her nanopower to haul the heavy Train up to his room that she hadn't even taken note of the two lovebirds sprawled out in the middle of the living room when she went into the kitchen to make herself a cup of tea. But as she headed back upstairs with Tearju's What part of Emc² do you not understand? mug, Eve heard odd noises, and what she saw caused her to drop said mug and stare in shock. She didn't even care that scalding tea lapped at her bare feet. All that her intelligent little mind was able to process at that moment was the sight of her beloved guardian getting ready to do the big nasty (again) with her creator.

The sound of the shattering mug caused Sven to pause mid-lick and meet his young companion's gaze with a surprised expression that made him look like his tongue was stuck to a frozen pole. He even muttered, "Oh thit," without his tongue breaking contact with Tearju's chest. It took him a second to snap out of it, yet he could only manage a feeble, "Oh, Eve…you're up early."

With the images from the previous night replaying in her formerly innocent mind, Eve had the sudden urge to throw up. She ran up the stairs lightning fast and slammed the bathroom door behind her. Amidst the sound of the young girl retching, an awkward silence ensued. There was Sven, straddled atop the world's leading nanotech scientist, suddenly deprived of the horniness that had started this in the first place. With a heavy sigh, Sven got up and hustled up the stairs to check on Eve…

Yet he forgot his clothes, which made the poor girl vomit even more.

* * *

Train awoke that morning very perplexed. All he remembered from last night was trying his damnedest to transform back to normal near the lake. Train looked at his body and was thrilled to see everything had returned to their regular proportions. So perhaps he had conked out after spending his energy on that, then was found and carried off by one of the others? That seemed reasonable. But what Train couldn't understand was the weird dream he had while unconscious…in it, he was watching a band of midgets try to take Sven, Eve, and Tearju hostage or something; Echidna was there, too, along with some monkey, and then Sven was suddenly posing in the nude. It probably all had some deep Freudian or Jungian meaning, but having never even heard of Freud nor Jung , Train could only assume that those nanomachines were messing with his brain.

Before Train was able to flop back down on the pillow to sleep some more, he heard a rattling from the stairs near his room. The Black Cat casually swung his feet onto the floor, stretched, and walked to his door to see what the commotion was about. As soon as he opened it, he barely caught sight of Eve slamming the bathroom door. By the sound of her barfing, Train initially assumed that she had eaten one of Tearju's "omlettes" by force. Not even a minute later, though, a blur of a Sven rushed up the stairs and past Train, nearly colliding into…

Wait a minute…was Sven naked? Train poked his head out to make sure he wasn't seeing things, only to get knocked down to the floor by Tearju dressed in nothing but a rug.

Train had the feeling this wasn't a side effect.

* * *

Echidna had slept wonderfully last night. She experienced such an incredible fantasy about that handsome, green-haired Sweeper who was almost killed by Creed. The Gate Taoist practically radiated with joy as she stretched and recalled the most wild, steamy moments. Her porcelain arm lightly nudged something next to her, and it felt a lot like…

Fur? Maybe it wasn't a dream and that Sven guy was in her bed, (and a lot more hairy than she thought). Unlikely, but hey, she'd woken up next to some extravagant figures during her acting career, (who could forget her one night stand with Robert Downey Jr.?) Comforted by this thought, Echidna slowly turned her head to gaze lovingly at…

"EATHES?!" she shrieked at the top of her lungs. Echidna recoiled and gathered the sheets around her bare body at the sight of Eathes sprawled out fitfully on the bed, smoking one of her cigarettes. He didn't have his toga or hat, and with a shudder, Echidna remembered that she had ruined his clothes at the doctor's house. Ugh, she felt so dirty and defiled now! And just when she thought things couldn't get any creepier, the Tao monkey shot a seductive simian look at her and…winked!

The sound of shattering glass was heard. Shiki, who was outside tending to the hideout's garden with his bugs, whipped his head around just in time to see Eathes sailing out of Echidna's window. Our favorite bundle of cloth scampered out of the line of projection and watched in horror as the flying monkey slammed into a bed of pansies. And he had just given them their weekly soil nutrients! Caring not about any animal protection laws, Shiki conjured up his biggest bugs and proceeded to beat the crap out of Eathes.

Back in Echidna's room, Creed had poked his head in to check what was the matter. Upon seeing a nearly-naked Echidna cheer Shiki on through the broken window, he immediately turned around and tried to forget that he saw anything.

* * *

Everything had finally calmed down at the Lunatique house. Tearju had taken it upon herself to tell Eve about the birds and the bees while she sewed the buttons back on Sven's shirt. She was surprised to learn how much her little clone already knew about sex, and she even became a tad disturbed when the young girl would finish her sentences. Their conversation went something like this…

"When a man is very attracted to a woman, he–"  
"Has an erection, I know."  
Silence.  
"…I meant to say 'becomes very excited'."

The two then joined Train for a delicious breakfast made by a fully dressed Sven, complete with bacon, eggs, potatoes, toast, and fresh fruit (Sven nearly passed out when Tearju started eating a banana). When it was finally time to go, Train and Eve thanked the doctor for her hospitality and waited outside for Sven to come along. He stood with Tearju in the doorway, and looking cautiously at Eve, he simply shook hands and said goodbye. But right as Sven turned around, Tearju goosed him. The sweeper turned around and saw her giggling quietly.

"I'm appalled, Dr. Tearju!" declared Sven in a very stern tone. "That wasn't very respectful, and as adults, we should be better role models." Eve beamed with satisfaction and seated herself under a tree, facing the other way, to continue reading. Sven had tried to keep his voice as serious as he could, but there was an evident spark of mischief in his eye. "Besides," he continued, stepping into the doorway and whispering in Tearju's ear, "we don't need anyone seeing how Svenny baby deals with naughty girls." Sven quickly backed Tearju up against the wall in the front corridor and commenced an all-out necking session. Train decided to do a very noble thing and shut the door just as the two were engaging in things that would make this an M-rated fanfic.

Eve looked up from her book and turned around to look at Train

"Wait. Where'd Sven go?"

"Um…He left his hat inside," the Black Cat hesitated, pulling at his bell collar like Rodney Dangerfield.

"But he was just wearing-"

"Let's wait in the car, princess," urged Train, glancing back at the closed front door. "This might take a while…"

* * *


End file.
